Onioka Skincrawler's Magic Evil Fortress Tours

Welcome to the Tour

I Blame Caolin

The three of us stand before Onioka Skincrawler, high necromancer and one of the great heroes of Greyfarow. After introducing ourselves, she leads us up to the front of her mighty fortress/gauntlet.

The dark fortress is built up to the sky – dark, spikey parapets tower above us. As Hraxos goes to open the great gates, the door talks back! “Welcome, adventurers! Solve my riddle and enter my halls!” or something. After a few guesses and being creeped out by Idunno’s crystal form, we guess, “the future!” which is close enough to “tomorrow” that it lets us in. The hallway before us goes on for some distance. Torches of varying age light the red carpet that beckons us into the citadel.

Hraxos boldly takes one step into the corridor only to be dashed by a giant swinging blade, tossing him to the far wall. The adventurers make their way down the hallway, smashing through the booby-trapped candelabras. “Dracula Shit Goddamned Wall!” cries Guutzman as he brutally misses beating the wall with his axe and missing…somehow. After bashing a blade to death, disarming and scurrying past a trap, and resisting a swoon in the face of an attempted pick-up, the group survives the gauntlet and enters the far chamber (Actually, Guutzman daydreams about Blade, vampire slayer, and swoons as he beholds the fantasy). Onioka calmly, confidently, walks amidst the blades. She knows the timing, the exact pattern of the traps. She opens a panel at the end of the hall, deactivated the traps. She scoffs at the heroes.

At the snap of her fingers, Onioka lights the darkened cavern that we now stand in. “Oh no, some of the dark magic that I encountered years ago still lingers here!” She exclaims in a voice so cheesy that Kraft offers her a sponsorship. Five boney hands shoot up from the ground. Five boney bodies emerge from the dusty earth on the cave floor. Blast! Fireballs. Blast! Fallen stalactites. Content Not Found: Idunno uses the strongest of his (hers?) psychic power to cause consistent anguish upon all nearby enemies, dramatically affecting the flow of battle.

Onioka is pleased to see you succeed, but she is drunk. She leads you into the next chamber – a huge, golden throne room filled with massive pillars. In the middle sits an elevated alter upon which lies a small bag. Before anyone does anything, a leaping goliath tackles a robed figure deep in the shadows. The figure falls, stutters, and struggles as the actor has been thrown off script. As the two stand up and brush themselves, the man in robes states, “Fear me, for I am Xenix, the king of evil, and you will perish under my power.” Anioka interrupts, “But wait! You can only defeat Xenix with the power of your conviction!” We all say something akin to “get the fuck out” and he melts into nothingness, wailing in pain.

“You have successfully transversed to the dark tunnels of Xanix.” Anioka congratulates us for our accomplishment. “Step forward and attain your prize.” We unwrap the bag to find THREE FREE DRINK COUPONS FOR LUKE LONGCLAW’S TAVERN AND EATERY IN THE CITY OF LUM!

Looking around the room, Guutzman – much to everyone’s surprise – knocks a switch that causes a secret door to slide open behind the thrones at the back of the throne room. Anioka is stunned. Anioka is nervous. Anioka is immediately sober. She tells the group to follow behind her. Should anything go wrong, run and find help.

Massive statue on throne, at least 200-300 feet tall. In front, another pedestal with a strange device. The statue is humanoid but racially nonspecific, and the chamber goes up hundreds of feet.

Hraxos examines the Content Not Found: orb-of-xenix on the pedestal. Totally foreign, he picks it up to get a better understand. The psychic impulse that the orb emits tells him to focus on a person – any person. They learn that it can do 1 HP damage to anyone, anywhere. Surprising, underwhelming, and yet astounding, the party doesn’t notice at first that the massive statue has begun to absorb the thick arcane energies that flow throughout the room. The group begins to flee, looking behind them only to see the monolith stand and crush Anioka beneath its massive foot. The sentinel claws at the walls of the huge tower, causing massive chunks of stone to crash to the ground. As he fights through the walls, Xenix’s great fortress begins to fall – the magic Anioka used to hold it all together begins to fade. The group must rely on each to flee the crumbling castle alive.

SKILL CHALLANGE!

After we flee to safety, we look back to see the great statue emerge from the fortress. It clambers towards the nearby city of Lum. It walks in a straight line, decimating the guard tower at the corner of the settlement. Rays of chaotic magic shoot off in random directions, causing havoc. An arcane bolt zaps some nearby fauna, nullifying 3 deer and causing a bear to become sentient. After an epiphany, the bear notices us and decides to eat us.

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